Island of My Own

I need to tell you that i have gone back
out of my insanity
away from my crazy mind
and i walked backwards through the looking glass
and it seems to me that i have reached a peace that i cannot feel, that i cannot see
or touch
or share
and i feel like this little island of my own
drifts
flows further out to sea
not reaching for the main land
but for the center of the earth
not finding a steady motion
but speeding up
faster and faster until
i reached japan
and got off.
i saw a plane back home
but
no one way trips
so i couldn't come back, so i had to make a choice
in japan
on the eighteenth day of April
but in the year of two thousand and fifteen
so for now i wait
to reach for my heaven
and learn
not to get to close
not to ruin it all, like I did last may....

to just release

my breath

releasing all hallelujahs

releasing the heads of innocent strangers
not lusting upon them
not to be defeated anymore
by some random person
who lusted after me too
or so I thought
and to be tricked..
 okay, do you really know how being tricked feels like

let me tell you...

it feels like death

it feels like

like there isn't a place for me to escape to

no Paris to live in
no Spain to explore
no London to admire

but wait... i forget that New York is still there
a wide awake
insomniac
that daydreams with skyscrapers
so my next plane ticket will be to New York
not home

The Soul Ridden Darkness

feeling my stomach, sore on the inside. a searing pain,only a small one, grows by my lungs, along the left side of the walls of my stomach. pretending to be sickening, pretending to be alone.

in the middle of the night
i feel my stomach wake me from my sleep
i get up and walk over to my window
no cars
no lights
no souls

so i decide
to join the soul ridden darkness
and walk barefoot down main street.
i knew that when its cold and dark,
its also silent
a perfect time to hear sprinklers
a perfect time to hear crickets
and a perfect time to look up

and see the night

black
darkness

with only the smallest amount of light
shining through

but all of the sudden
the stars seem to grow brighter

suddenly i'm hit
and the darkness grows
darker
even the stars
even my heart

in the end the soul ridden darkness remained soul ridden

the end

DEADLINES

quickly
wrap your arms around me and squeeze
break the ribs under my skin
Peirce the heart with the 7th bone
don't let me bleed all over you
don't let me get your clothes dirty
dirty with blood
dirty with sin
dirty with love

okay, so.
you're on your own
cause now that I'm awake
I'm finally hit with the responsibility of the reality for the sake of personality
and I breath like a newborn
realizing my first goal is
to have walking as a habit

having to practice and practice
just to take one step without a hand
without arms
but never without love
never without blood
never without sins
or the huge connection between what the heart feels and what the mind knows

just to walk
just to love
just to live
just to reach
just to imagine

how many days have I been alive

not how many more days do I have to live

but im still counting

and the number has grown past far too many days to count

and so I never had to count the days of my life ever again

because I lost track
because I learned to count other things like sheep and how may times the dog winks back at you
because I learned that counting gets more complicated when you add letters in there

but
its because I counted so many people who don't care
that I ended up not caring either

now that's something to make a toast to
something to celebrate for.

having a great secret that i cant tell anyone because its a sin in the eyes of many around me is a burden, but add in some "not caring" in there
and it kind of lifts, higher, not off, but higher

my momma told me that if im a sinner, then she is a sinner,
and if so, all the fun people are going to hell.

so ill grab a vegi tray
my ticket to hell is paid off

Third times a charmer

Hidden hallelujahs

Stolen fingernails

And washed out bodies

The feelings persist

The feelings persist

And it's all about fractured arteries and suffocating hearts

Along with flooding lungs and soaring stomachs

And I can hear you breathing

I can see your eyes

Locked in sinc and in time

The heat,

Yet the cold

And the verge between two paths, crossed into knots 

Forever

And I have never been so afraid

So afraid to start the game

So afraid to lose

So afraid to win

So afraid

So afraid

I fear 

My

     sacrifice

To be wasted

But all I do is question god,

And blame him

And hurt him

And frame him guilty 

even as an innocent
bystander

I find our security a bit breached
a bit tampered with

allowing us to look into the eyes of our burglars
of the ones who actually help us to look up,
to open our eyes
to prevent us from dreaming
and somehow
kidnap us

am I gonna be alright
no I am not
no one ever is alright

not a soul

nor a mind

nor a body

nor my body

aching
drawn

exhausted

not forgiven

but exhausted

not taken

but exhausted

not forgotten

but exhausted

so held back

I just sit


and I cannot wait to let it die

to get out of my mind

to leave
to forget


to welcome home
my pain
at 1:05 in the morning

Being Shot With Wicked Turmoil

now know that death is the secret cord

 that used to know how to please the lord

but since he has been there once before

he knows how to break the strongest core

knowing the weakness of the largest heart

he knew about death like it was an art

I Have A Great Depression

walking smoothly
dragging my feet
dragging my heart
towards the distance
away from you
that is where you sent me off
and if i keep walking
maybe you will follow

maybe you will follow,
back to places that can explain.. me

you don't realize how ordinary i am

i scream the broken hallelujah!!
through my raspy voice
cracked from your lips
that knew how to get past my city walls
just to break my kings throne

my castle was taken over by your army
never spilling a drop of blood
because i didn't want anyone to get hurt,

look around
these familiar faces
never knew you

because the madness in there hearts
became selfish
no time for other people
no time for other things
no time for there own brothers
no time for there own sisters

and there mothers cry
and that's what i live with

now you understand                i live in madness
to become ordinary

on my own
living on wine
drunk only from iron cups

I Have Lost

I rip hearts out

I reach into their bodies
and grab hold of there hearts

warming them with my hands

and squeeze till there dead.

I will grab your soul,

don't doubt it  ..    my body seeks for a new one

I have a collection

of hearts on a shelf      just sitting there, beating

thumping, still pumping, life, they are still working

I just keep them to live forever

or because I need the presence of a beating life near me, or two, maybe a dozen

whatever it takes

because I have to kill my own heart

because it has betrayed me
Because it fell in love with someone else

because I'm not good enough

because I lost

and so I lose
and so I lose


and so I lose

and I have lost


the one i love

THE END

nelson

my Paris is burning

its been attacked
its been raided
its been pillaged and plundered

Paris has been robbed

Europe has been taken over.

and my paris...
has been obliterated
shattered, and burned down to the ashes I am now kneeling in, sobbing.

with shards of glass piercing the skin on my knees, I realize.. that now... I have to search for a new Paris.

IT HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY!!!

to lands where heroes never existed
so I can fight
and live to walk along the shores of my new Paris

because it isn't everyday when you get to fight for something that's yours

forever

and become the hero of my story

and live my

                                                           happily ever after

the T R U T H

sprinting
running

into my room
slamming the door

snding a crack from bottom to top

jumping onto my bed

screaming swear words out of the top of my lungs

punching my hand into the walls and ripping them apart with my bear hands

bleeding
cutting them apart

but i didnt care

because she was dead

dead
dead,dead,dead,dead,dead

i still cant believe it

i cant

i cant

i cant

i cant









i cant walk
i cant breath
i cant see
i cant feel
i cant hear
i cant taste
i cant eat
i cant know
i cant know
i cant know                           the  t  r  u  t  h

your Da Vinci, your Mona Lisa

I know what you'll do.
                 its to keep the mystery of the dream that we once met. to figure out that this whole time you would create this vision of someone I knew, because when we meet eyes again, ill know how to react. so this is love, knowing that you'll keep on walking with me. because this path will lead us to the careless, bewildering, and fearless highway that goes so fast, that it is to make us dizzy. don't turn back, now that were here! come on, keep moving, if I have to yell, I will. Just don't yell at me, and definitely don't call me a coward, just call me your mystery! call me your Mona Lisa!! but don't call me

            your DaVinci          .

so heart don't fail me now
all that I can taste is your life,and it helps. but sooner or later the world will see me, figure me out and find out the darkness that lerks inside me right now, so don't fight the tears, even if they might come on the horizon or even tomorrow.

like anyone worthy, I am turned around by your fascination with me. am I just your object to crave? but I guess I'm wanting to be needed, I cant help it. courage won't desert me.

My Juliet

i met a girl named Juliet.
i met her in my dreams.
i met her by my sleeping bedside
that was breaking at the seems

come close the bliss
of the knight at arm.
Until you find true Love's first kiss
And then take Love's true form

come once this hour
that fate shall turn
that love has gone sour
until another must learn

true fate is strong
but lead me one way
forget me for so long
and I shall never stay

To 1134 and Back to the Heavens

stepping on the concrete ground. i honestly thought that you knew what you were in for.

when you drove up in your moms car, with her driving. i kinda lost my fear.

you don't get scared easily, at least, that's what your mom said before she left.


walking into the entrance

walking into the ropes

walking next to clowns

walking next to strangers
well except for two people

and i could tell that you weren't scared easily, i even tested it, i tried to scare you.
funny story
you didn't even move

but right before we went in you said we should all clump together because you were "frightened"

when the other person hoped off the clump, you stayed on

you held on tight,

and every time someone popped out,

you held on tighter.
and when we walked out into an opening, still not done walking through it, you said

"lets just hold hands"
and my mind kinda went

'poof '


and that's the first time i went to heaven

feeling like i left hell, but by magic.
and this time

hell didn't follow me

Hallways to the moon

Today came about the fiftieth time I saw you in the hallway.

And it cracked my heart a little.


Before the snow fell, I trusted someone...differently

Like an adventure
...oh what an adventure!
We walked through dark hallways, scary hallways, forest pathways, and nighttime sidewalks.

Maybe holding hands

Twice

But then again
You hurt me

Twice,
With every cracked fragment of my soulless imagination I had so bluntly placed before you.
And to see you take those two steps, just to drive away from me because I handed over a secret you couldn't carry.
But you never handed it over

You just dropped it
And of course it shattered

And just like candy out of a piñata, the people that I thought cared about me, attacked each other for the shards.
And before I could even pick up one ounce of myself, it was all gone

They were all gone

And secretly

I became..

DIFFERENT

and now, because of this,
the sun has never been a bigger enemy, and the moon a better friend.

The Truman Show

spiders

darkness

webs

dark corners

woods at night

being watched

being watched

i have this huge concern for myself with the feelings that someone is always watching me

like the movie The Truman Show...but i think I've know it since i was younger

I like to hide from helicopters thinking that they are filming me.
And I hate being filmed 

Help

My heart is screaming, while Paris is dreaming

The Impossible Challenge and The Situation of Why I Will Never Have to Face It.

so i SEE

i hold your bleeding hand in our last hour,
and i know we made this big agreement on how we were going to do this someday, but when the time finally came

it seemed like the knives were a little to sharp
a little to precise

but i wont take it slowly....          none of us will.

leaning over to you

I've never felt...

that's it,

I've never known what it was to feel

to feel

      absent

and with you

i will never have to

Inside A Vaulted Soul

I wake up in the middle of the night hearing my name being called...
....practically being chanted

so I approach the front door and swing it open...just an inch.
because... You know...I'm scared of the dark...

but I realize I see a dark ghost

a phantom of some sort

not with legs, but with wings.

a fallen angel that once knew the song of my heart
I guess.. instead of song, it was more like a key

a key

to my heart.

ask yourself one question.              why would I need a key to my heart.

      I locked it up long ago so that I could entrust you with a key.
but when you died, you took it with you

and we all need to realize how hard it is to break inside a vaulted soul.

in this case

it was impossible

and I guess that's why I am all alone.

because people take one look at the safe around my heart and tell themselves
that they cant break that.
its too hard.

and far across the distance, all the way from heaven. you held it in your hand.

and you jumped down from heaven,
knowing you couldn't go back

and so last night, you decided to bring me my key

and then disappear from me forever again.


now what?

do I finally get to open this vault, this safe, this prison.

just so I can see my heart in person,
so that I don't have dream about it anymore

why on earth would I not want to dream about my heart
and so that is why I locked the vault

and threw away the key

or at least..i hid it

because then if you really wanted to know more about me, you would have to search for it before you could really listen to beat of my heart, to the symphony played by my soul.

don't get offended

but that beat wasn't meant for you

its for me

so I can live
and someday, when you find yourself in a quiet room.

you can listen to the symphony played by a bleeding heart.

but this time.

maybe we can synchronize the pounding melody.
to the beat of our hearts

Death is My Narrator

It’s billowing up, blowing up, bearing forward. Growing bigger, and finding out its potential.

 

The hurricane

 

It’s time we leave. Before it is too late.

But it gets here too fast, and we are....surrounded!!

 

How did the eye of the storm stare us down for so long before it decided what he wanted to do.

Then you let go of my hand.

And he noticed

By the time I could reach for your hand again

The eye looked away.

And torment filled my mind.

I couldn't rush my mind fast enough to save you.

I look back before it came. And I remember seeing all the things I saw.

But because the storm grew bigger,

I can’t see the rainbows anymore

I can’t be your faith

I can’t read your mind

I can’t come to you and beg

I can’t be the person who is chasing after you

And I cannot feel you standing next to me

Not in this open valley

Not here

Not now

 And even after everything passed, even though I could finally see the purple haze of the rainbow once again

 I didn't see you anymore

who are you!?! stranger from my dreams!!!

im bleeding                                                                                                
                                   
                                                                                                                 bleeding bad
              
go get the first aide kit                                                                                                           

                                                                          but you come back wounded also                        
                                   
                

                                  
                                                                             and you are bleeding worse                      
                                                                                                                
you show me your hands,      with blood all over them
sopping wet as if it were as water in the ocean
                                              
                                                            
                                             
                                                             
                                                 
dead                                      
                             
                                  
                              
then I realized                                                                     
                                                            ...................I loved you                           
                                                          
                                                    
                             
and you sat there dead on valentines day                             leaving me                                     
                           
                                
to die all by myself                              
                                      
don't count on it                                   
I get up and walk past your dead body, my feet dragging through the puddles of your blood                         
                         
I walk on                                     
into the distance,                           

                                                                                                   and die on the horizon       
                                                       
just fifty feet from you                                      
                         
                                                                 in a new light             
                                                                           I wake up                         
screaming
but. Where did you go                                 
who was this individual                
where did they come from            
why did I have such strong emotions                 
when they died            
I could have been just like a movie             
where I sat there and watched you die, but no            
I sat there and became broken            
the dream continued for weeks on end,                                     
every   single     night                 
and I couldn't figure out                                               
                               
                                                       
who are you, stranger?                                      

vendetta of blood

they say your vendetta has never been so keen, so mysterious. and that no one wants to mess with you because of the problem you once had and what you used to do? you messed with my head. telling me that they were wrong, that they were lying to my face. but what I didn't realize is that you were the one who was actually lying to my face, who was speaking words that didn't flow through your teeth right, that didn't seem to finish correctly or fit together.
but I give you a cup in one hand, and I filled it with water (remember this for later) so that we would feel like we were actually doing something right together, even though it makes no sense, but you will see later. anyways as I was saying

nothing fits together anymore



what!?!

                                                                                                                          why?!


                                       that doesn't seem right.

now go

that unison with the elephants never became so intense, so fierce, so pounding

pounding
pounding
like blood through my hand and feet, like runners through the longest 5k of there lives, but then you fall off of a cliff and die...or at least you are unconscious, by the grand canyon, but then you felt thrilled, because you fell. and its over, the pain, its over!!
(a little poem by yours truly)
everyone falls, everyone dies
everyone seems to want to soar through the skies
yet everyone calls...from each end of the earth
then they see each other
fresh from giving birth
rather that they smother, the new mother

she actually dies from blood loss

and at the same time
god welcomes her

its a beautiful tragedy.

basically amazing, yet simplicity is the killer

so when I say 'the end'

maybe ill let you listen a bit longer

just out of pity.
but I'm joking, I honestly don't like you at all
pretty much...well..to say it more kindly...


yea, you're a bitch

haha yep... now shut the full cup.

How to Slap the Dead Flowers out of my Hands

I am dead

I am crying

I am lying over a cliff, soaring down through the wind

I am finding myself questioning the existence of my own soul, creativity, love, only reading the words in my head.

I am liking the words on my mind better than a book.


I am rushing the people. into the wall, where I become insane again

blood, sins, death, knives, hearts, fire, water, drowning.

drowning.              drowning.                               death.

falling.                  to the ocean floor.


screaming,                                                   but no one can hear me

then I look over                             whales                                                all around

and I can finally hear them                           and its beautiful





I think I might just stay here      under the water      where I can can can can can can can


                                   be with the whales.

Saving The Destroyed Individual

I think about when I was with you. You seemed to have become my savior, you know. Because you saved me. That night when you were there when I needed you, and without me thinking about you, I would have ended it. But since I knew about the feelings we had felt and because I had become aware of my emotions, I realized that I had become completely. Warm. Just on the inside, where the blood flows, you know, through that one thing called the.. Heart.

Why do I feel like I have two...I don't know,  probably because I missed having one so much that it's kinda making up for it

But what happened

The realzation that you didn't care about me,

But read back to the time that the animals ripped my heart out, they didn't just rip it out,

The destroyed it

They destroyed any hope of trust and life, and I became a complete lunatic.

I guess I never realized that since my heart was destroyed, I needed to find a new one.

But when did I stoop as low as the animals enough to reach into someone else's mind through there head and tear there heart out, slowly.

How cruel.

How betraying

How selfish.

But why did I care.

That's what I felt, until I stole their heart.

Then I fell down to the floor and hurt my knees, because my sanity came back, and that was the price of love.... Or liking

Liking is pretty expensive also

So this was where we stood, until I felt...nothing...again.

im done.
make it an ending.
so....all there is to do now is...
the end?

the transformation beneath your shadows

im all alone in the daylight. I wither like a rose, after being cut with a knife. I wander in hopeless beauty. bleeding through my footsteps. leaving my mark, while entering the meaning of a new life.
I smile while looking back, when I remember, our memories.

the smell of death has never been so appealing in the morning, with the sun rising, it helps me forget the fading touch of knowing what a new day used to feel like. shattering me wide awake, not wanting to live in this. knowing that im a dreamer, yet am I on my way to finding my home sweat home.

Feeding Lions with my Bare Hands

I want to run away and start this fire with the matches we bought.
running into the fire with you, our burning flesh cannot be controlled. so let our hearts bleed fire. and wait until the firemen come and put out the flames, by then it will be to late. we will be forced to sleep in coffins.

but it all happens before I wake up. right before the best part.

right before we walk through heaven.

and my mind seems to want to screw with me, flipping the channel to a dream where you were with someone else.


and I'm burning by myself. but this time, my tears wont be seen.

Earths rotation

I see the funeral of my friends, or at least mine actually. You can say I'm completely insane. I say I'm pretty crazy also, but that just makes me normal. Because we all call ourselves crazy every once in a while. It's all for fun really, being crazy. Not true. I'm insane. I love it when I'm driving down the road when someone else is on the wheel and I'm just sitting in the passengers seat listening to soundtracks, staring into the distance, planning out movies in my head. Every once in a while, I'll jump up and scare my brother, because I just had the perfect movie moment. When the music is just right, and in sync with my life around me. I feel perfectly special, for those five seconds of earths rotation.

One time, I wondered off while at sea world and saw the giant panda whale. I can't remember the name of it. Something like mushu? Or fabu?

Wait wait!! Oohhh it's on the tip of my tongue!!!
...
...
Oh my gosh!!!
Thank you random girl from park city!!
It's shamu!!!

Anyways, I was listening to the soundtrack from that one crazy movie with the dreams...and more dreams or something like that and the shamu guy freaking lays on top of the edge of the water and shoots me down with water. His helper guy wasn't very happy and I got escorted out, and they gave me a bunch of free shit. I complained some more and I got to ride on a go cart and get a free tour of the entire place!
Best day ever, oh and they gave me a whole new free outfit

Did I mention that I was out of the splash zone and was the only one who got wet

That shamu thing freaking projectile shot me down, I even fell back. I was on, like, the 32nd row back, and I was the only one who got wet.

Well the music went really well right before he shot me down, it got to the rise, and right when he shot me, the bass kinda dropped

Shamu knows me..

Hearts and wings from inside my dreams

Before the blood bacame old, I dreamed about fairy tales. I dreamt of animals with wings, and how I grew jealous of the animals. In my dreams I would become a complete lunatic. I would wake up in the middle of the night furious.

So In my dreams I cut there wings off. And I never felt more calm.
Then one night they came and cut my heart out.
Because their hearts where part of the sky. And I would have cried. But

They cut my heart out.. So what was I to do?

So I kept on walking