Island of My Own

I need to tell you that i have gone back
out of my insanity
away from my crazy mind
and i walked backwards through the looking glass
and it seems to me that i have reached a peace that i cannot feel, that i cannot see
or touch
or share
and i feel like this little island of my own
drifts
flows further out to sea
not reaching for the main land
but for the center of the earth
not finding a steady motion
but speeding up
faster and faster until
i reached japan
and got off.
i saw a plane back home
but
no one way trips
so i couldn't come back, so i had to make a choice
in japan
on the eighteenth day of April
but in the year of two thousand and fifteen
so for now i wait
to reach for my heaven
and learn
not to get to close
not to ruin it all, like I did last may....

to just release

my breath

releasing all hallelujahs

releasing the heads of innocent strangers
not lusting upon them
not to be defeated anymore
by some random person
who lusted after me too
or so I thought
and to be tricked..
 okay, do you really know how being tricked feels like

let me tell you...

it feels like death

it feels like

like there isn't a place for me to escape to

no Paris to live in
no Spain to explore
no London to admire

but wait... i forget that New York is still there
a wide awake
insomniac
that daydreams with skyscrapers
so my next plane ticket will be to New York
not home

The Soul Ridden Darkness

feeling my stomach, sore on the inside. a searing pain,only a small one, grows by my lungs, along the left side of the walls of my stomach. pretending to be sickening, pretending to be alone.

in the middle of the night
i feel my stomach wake me from my sleep
i get up and walk over to my window
no cars
no lights
no souls

so i decide
to join the soul ridden darkness
and walk barefoot down main street.
i knew that when its cold and dark,
its also silent
a perfect time to hear sprinklers
a perfect time to hear crickets
and a perfect time to look up

and see the night

black
darkness

with only the smallest amount of light
shining through

but all of the sudden
the stars seem to grow brighter

suddenly i'm hit
and the darkness grows
darker
even the stars
even my heart

in the end the soul ridden darkness remained soul ridden

the end

DEADLINES

quickly
wrap your arms around me and squeeze
break the ribs under my skin
Peirce the heart with the 7th bone
don't let me bleed all over you
don't let me get your clothes dirty
dirty with blood
dirty with sin
dirty with love

okay, so.
you're on your own
cause now that I'm awake
I'm finally hit with the responsibility of the reality for the sake of personality
and I breath like a newborn
realizing my first goal is
to have walking as a habit

having to practice and practice
just to take one step without a hand
without arms
but never without love
never without blood
never without sins
or the huge connection between what the heart feels and what the mind knows

just to walk
just to love
just to live
just to reach
just to imagine

how many days have I been alive

not how many more days do I have to live

but im still counting

and the number has grown past far too many days to count

and so I never had to count the days of my life ever again

because I lost track
because I learned to count other things like sheep and how may times the dog winks back at you
because I learned that counting gets more complicated when you add letters in there

but
its because I counted so many people who don't care
that I ended up not caring either

now that's something to make a toast to
something to celebrate for.

having a great secret that i cant tell anyone because its a sin in the eyes of many around me is a burden, but add in some "not caring" in there
and it kind of lifts, higher, not off, but higher

my momma told me that if im a sinner, then she is a sinner,
and if so, all the fun people are going to hell.

so ill grab a vegi tray
my ticket to hell is paid off

Third times a charmer

Hidden hallelujahs

Stolen fingernails

And washed out bodies

The feelings persist

The feelings persist

And it's all about fractured arteries and suffocating hearts

Along with flooding lungs and soaring stomachs

And I can hear you breathing

I can see your eyes

Locked in sinc and in time

The heat,

Yet the cold

And the verge between two paths, crossed into knots 

Forever

And I have never been so afraid

So afraid to start the game

So afraid to lose

So afraid to win

So afraid

So afraid

I fear 

My

     sacrifice

To be wasted

But all I do is question god,

And blame him

And hurt him

And frame him guilty 

even as an innocent
bystander

I find our security a bit breached
a bit tampered with

allowing us to look into the eyes of our burglars
of the ones who actually help us to look up,
to open our eyes
to prevent us from dreaming
and somehow
kidnap us

am I gonna be alright
no I am not
no one ever is alright

not a soul

nor a mind

nor a body

nor my body

aching
drawn

exhausted

not forgiven

but exhausted

not taken

but exhausted

not forgotten

but exhausted

so held back

I just sit


and I cannot wait to let it die

to get out of my mind

to leave
to forget


to welcome home
my pain
at 1:05 in the morning